Sex is not a comfortable subject for many people, although talking about it has become more open and relaxed. People can talk freely about their sexual experiences and their particular tastes, but what remains taboo are the sexual problems of individuals. Men find it problematic to talk to their doctor about erect erectile disorders. It is therefore not surprising that confronting another person with their possible sexual addiction is even more difficult and embarrassing.
Many addicts choose to seek the help of a licensed professional, an expert in the field. However, sexual addiction is probably a topic that is more easily discussed within family, close friends, and spouses. For now, let's look at it from the perspective of friends and family.
Here are some signs that someone you know may be addicted to sex:
1. Does their sexual behavior cause problems?
Are pregnancy fears common for them? Did they catch or pass on an STD? Not caring about safe sex, having sex at random, or having multiple partners is a sign of sexual dependence. These behaviors show that the person has placed the satisfaction of his sexual needs above all other priorities. Is she exposed to problems because of her sexual behavior? Sex in the workplace creates a risk of dismissal, as does masturbation and watching pornography at work. Although this is done outside the workplace during lunchtime, these activities show a lack of control and an inability to distinguish appropriate behaviors from inappropriate behaviors.
Other less tangible and less visible problems relate to the amount of time a person spends on sex. Often, the addict cancels his plans to go out or visit, preferring to stay indoors to watch porn and/or masturbate. People addicted to porn spend an excessive amount of time watching videos and movies, not to mention their family and friends. Have they given up hobbies they once loved? Did they stop going out on weekends? Maybe you talk to them often and they haven't been so available recently?
Perhaps more visible are their romantic relationships. Do they move quickly from one person to another? Do they have a series of "one-night stands"? Although there is no definitive time to devote to sex, nor is there a way to measure how long sex is 'normal', if a person you know appears to be in a relationship only for sex, and has been frustrated at forming a real bond, this could be a sign of dependence.
Keep in mind that one can be "dependent on love". The act of seduction and the influx of chemicals produced in the brain at the beginning of a relationship can create a sexual addiction. While men and women may suffer from it, sex-dependent women are more likely to exhibit this behavior. It may not be a real sexual relationship, but a person who is constantly in relationships (sometimes before the end of the previous one) or who flirts excessively may show signs of sexual dependence.
2. Does she often talk about sex?
People tend to discuss topics of interest to them, everyday events, or events they have experienced. Does your friend often approach pornography in an idle conversation? This kind of conversation between friends is normal, but note how often the individual talks about it. Does he feel that this is the only thing he or she needs to talk about? Are sex and pornography the only subjects that seem to arouse this person's interest or animate? It may be the only thing he or she is talking about because that is all that that person needs to talk about. A porn addict can spend most of his free time watching pornography, leaving him with little to discuss in the conversation.
This can be tricky; each person is different, as is every friendship. A person who is dependent on sex may not talk about it, feel shame and guilt, or may talk about it at inappropriate times.
Also, note other things than speech. It is common to have a poster of an attractive model in his room. Having a screen saver that shows hardcore pornography can be a cause for concern. Do they have a pornographic history on their mobile phones? Inappropriate ringtones? While these may be simple signs of bad taste, they can also be a sign of addiction.
3. Did they mention sexual addiction in the conversation?
Many sex addicts suffer from this addiction for a long time before they suspect it, and then for a long time before they stop denying it. If they have broached the subject of sexual addiction, they may be testing the waters, so to speak, to see how you will react. Many sex addicts are ashamed of themselves and keep their addiction secret for fear of losing friends. They are unlikely to admit to having a sex addiction, but they may ask for your opinion on it, or talk in more detail about a celebrity who claims to suffer from this problem. They may even make fun of the notion of sexual addiction because they feel like you suspect them and want to dispel your suspicions.
How you feel about sexual addiction depends on you, but most people who take this approach are scared and seek support, and your reaction could influence their choice to receive professional help.
For romantic spouses and partners, you have a more intimate knowledge of the person suspected of being dependent on sex than anyone else. If you think your loved one is suffering from this addiction, you should take certain precautions:
- Are they becoming more demanding of sex with you?
It is quite normal that two people in a couple have different libidos. It is also quite common for sex to put pressure on a relationship. An example of what your partner may appear to be a red flag is how your partner reacts when he is told "no" and his insistence on the subject of sex. An addict who needs a substance can become very agitated when he or she does not get it. Marital rape is a real thing, and just because they didn't force you to have sex forcefully doesn't mean there was no transgression. A sex addict can exploit the power dynamics in a relationship, threaten to do something negative or hide something from his or her spouse to get sex. If he has resorted to these harmful behaviors, regardless of the emotional damage caused, it is a sign of dependence.
- Do they go elsewhere to have sex?
Being unfaithful doesn't necessarily mean your partner is addicted to sex, but it's certainly an indication, especially if it's not the first time. While this may be a sign of a difficult marriage, if the bond between you is otherwise strong, infidelity can be a sign of addiction. An addict craves the physical sexual act or the intoxicating feeling of a new relationship, he is not necessarily in love with the other person or not in love with you. Often, addicts are not even interested in the sexual act, but in the repetitive behavior that precedes the act, creating the dopamine levels that the addict needs.
Remember that pornography and masturbation are sexual acts. Is your spouse on the computer in the wee hours of the morning before work? Is it hiding large amounts of pornography on the computer? Is he less interested in sex with you? What you think about masturbation and the use of pornography depends on you. Some levels of personal gratification and pornography are not harmful, but if the use of these sexual acts is at a point of contention, and your partner has not given it up, it is a sign that he is facing an unhealthy compulsion.
It is important to realize that only the addict himself can really know the depths of his addiction and it is the individual who must realize that he is suffering before he can undergo treatment and recover.
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